"If you don't love yourself first, everyone will always love you last."
-Memoirs of a Hmong Woman
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS will be the END of you. I have lost weight, lost my mind, and most importantly, lost myself. That is a place I never want to go back again, and I pray that if you are in this current situation, you wake up from it and LEAVE. I know, you’re tired of having your family members tell you that he’s no good for you. You’re tired of your friends telling you he’s no good for you. You’re tired of telling yourself he’s no good for you. You remember all those times you’ve cried to yourself and said “This is the last time?”
So why are you still there? Truth is, leaving a relationship is extremely hard. I’ve gone back and forth numerous times so I KNOW how difficult it is to leave. It’s even more difficult being a Hmong woman because you’re required to stay married until you die. I mean yes, that’s the plan right, when you get married, you never plan to divorce them (I hope). Due to strict cultural practices, some Hmong woman have never seen their parents after a divorce because they’ve been disowned. Yes, its 2020 and yes, it still happens. You see, the Hmong culture is extremely against divorce and once you become a divorced woman, you aren’t even seen as half the woman you were before you got divorced. (Ah hem! This should be your motivation! This should be your chance to rise up stronger than the woman you were when you were in that toxic relationship, take it girl!)
In my situation, there was always this constant pressure from everyone to preserve the marriage because if we did, it would be what was best for our children. Now, if you’re in a toxic relationship and you have children involved, no matter how much you want to say together to maintain the family and keep everyone else happy, the ugly truth is, your children see the toxic shit between the two of you. The disagreements, fights, and even simple conversations are instilled into their heads and this is the reason why you don’t stay together for the kids sake. In fact, as much as it hurts me to separate my kids and the parents, I can tell you that the house has now become a home.
So know that yes it is difficult, and yes, it is going to challenge you to find every ounce of strength left in you fight to save yourself. The hardest part about leaving a relationship is finding that other half of you because you have been so damn dependent on him. Girl! That other half is not him! Realize that other half has always been YOU! You just put that half on pause and now you need to bring it back to life. You are the only one who can complete yourself.
Here are some signs you are in a toxic relationship:
1. Abuse
There are two parts to abuse: The first part is physical abuse. If you are getting your ass beat, you better get the f- out of there. Being in an abusive relationship is not a sign of love. No excuse why anyone in a relationship should have to withstand physical pain from their partner. The second abuse is psychological abuse. He may not physically hit you, but the abuse you receive from psychological abuse will last longer than those bruises on your body honey. Some words my ex said to me, still haunts me to this day because they have been engraved in my head. Emotional trauma is serious, don’t take it lightly!
2. Blame game
This means you are always at fault. It’s always your fault. Always. You are the reason why the situation escalated, you are the reason why he hit you, you shouldn’t have dressed like that, you shouldn’t have spoke like that, you shouldn’t have done that, blah, blah, blah. The real problem is him, not you. Sad thing is, you tend to agree with him and allow him to blame you repeatedly because you believe that he is correct.
3. Controlling
You know he is in control of your relationship. He is the one who has the first and last say about everything in your relationship. The control in this relationship will vary from light to heavy. He will tell you to dress a certain way instead of the way you feel most comfortable. He will give you a time limit on how long you can spend with your friends and family, and then needs proof that you were with them and did exactly what you said you were doing. He will even go through your phone looking at your text messages, photos, and social media just to find something to pick on you about. These are all examples of control. You have no control, even over your own self.
4. Jealousy
This man is extremely jealous of you. There’s a small amount of normal jealousy in a healthy relationship but this kind of jealousy is the kind that will get you back into the blame game as I mentioned above. They will get jealous if a guy comes around you (coworkers/friends), if you take a photo with a guy in there (even if you don’t know this person), if someone gives you a compliment or even something as simple as the way you look. Many times, jealousy will lead you into arguments or worst, physical assault.
5. Excuses
You will find yourself making up excuses for his behaviors “If I didn’t do A, then he would have never done B.” You are permitting him to hurt you by believing in these excuses. When your friends or family talk to you, you make up excuses to cover up for him. Sometimes these excuses can be in forms of lies so that you won’t get hurt. No more excuses honey, let it go!
6. Lack of Trust
This relationship has many trust issues. You can have lots of trust in your partner and he would have little to no trust in you, or you can possibly both have no trust with each other at all. You must keep proving to your partner evidence about what you are doing, where you are, who you are with and provide details about every account. This can include him snooping on your friends or family’s social media, going through your phone, forcing you to call people while he listens on the speaker phone to make sure the stories match. Yeah, such high school drama right? Why are you doing this to yourself?
7. Hostile environment
The environment you are in is hostile. This will vary depending on the toxicity of your relationship. It can be light where you have small disagreements here and there (repeating the cycle) or it can be extremely hostile where you are afraid. Hostile environments are draining and full of negative energy. You feel like a lost person in your own home. Often times you’ll stay at work late, stall while shopping, or running errands just so you don’t have to go home and be in that environment.
8. Manipulative
These kinds of people will worship you with extreme attention by putting you on a pedestal to make you feel good. Once hell breaks loose, you are in that shithole again. They know exactly what to do and say to get you to behave exactly the way they want you to. The worst manipulation scheme is where they threaten to inflict harm on themselves. This can be as simple as an injury to themselves or as extreme as them telling you they will die without you. And just like that, you’re caught in their web again.
This is just a snippet of the signs of a toxic relationship. There are more red flags than the eight that I have listed above. I'm not telling you anything new, you've already gone through this. This cycle will continuously repeat itself until you decide to put a stop to it. Everyone can tell you repeatedly that your relationship is unhealthy and toxic however, only YOU have the power to change that. You are the one who must come to realize all the toxins inside you and fight for yourself to break free.
XOXO,
Memoirs of a Hmong Woman
,
"She let it go and set herself free. She had never longed to love anyone as much as she will love herself."
-Memoirs of a Hmong Woman
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